Damnit, Cheryl.
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158 people have been identified with gastrointestinal illness and 40 people have been hospitalized, with almost all now discharged, after eating contaminated jambalaya in Caldwell Parish according to KATC-TV3 News.

Southern Satire spoke with the fundraiser spokesperson earlier this morning. “Yeah. We’re really sorry about the whole thing. God knows where those chickens even came from,” says Stoney Wilson. “We put f*$#ing CHERYL in charge of the jambalaya this year. I told them something like this might happen. Classic f*$#ing Cheryl for you.”

It’s common knowledge that if you live North of I-10, you’re not a real Cajun, so you really can’t them to cook Cajun food right, much less not cross-contaminate your food with chicken bacteria.

Center for Disease Control liaison to Louisiana was in Opelousas today for a media briefing¬† about the salmonella outbreak. Here’s what she had to say: “We are testing samples of the jambalaya meals that are believed to be responsible for the outbreak. To date, 19 food samples have been tested with five testing positive for Salmonella. The results for the remaining 14 samples are still pending, and state officials are sending the samples to the CDC for further testing.”

The CDC also said, off-record, “Why don’t we just build a damn wall to keep all of Northern Louisiana on their side of I-10? That would solve all of this, y’know? Maybe we can set up a border? They’re not even Cajun, yknow? Wait. Hey. Are you recording this? Hey! You. Southern Satire guy come here don’t report that,” said the CDC representative.

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