Mediocre ingredients, really bad pizza.
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A very drunk Papa John, CEO John Schnatter, stumbled out of the third-quarter financial report yesterday with a half cooked, scrambled-looking pizza in hand. He was screaming obscenities about the NFL, boycotters, and other things that we won’t mention here. We know that pizza sales is inline with sports, especially football and Drunk Papa John knows this well.

Peyton Manning and Papa John share their first kiss after the Denver Broncos win SB50.

Let’s break down why Papa John’s is actually failing:

  • He’s been on our TVs for 20 years and looks like he’s made of drunken plastic. If you’re gonna be the face of the brand, please be sober and/or likable. You’re like the Charlie Sheen of pizza.
  • Doordash and UberEats are kicking pizza chains asses. It used to be that you could get pizza or chinese. It was usually a battle between Domino’s, Pizza Hut, and then Papa John’s as a third choice. They’re what’s called an “alternative” when it comes to brands and customer loyalty.
  • He’s accused of sexual assault and doesn’t pay or train his employees well. He said he would donate $1 for each pizza sold to KIA U.S. troop’s families, and raised the price by $1.25.
  • He said he’d rather “close shop” than raise pizza prices $0.25 to give his employees health care.
  • Domino’s actually fixed their pizza and offers them for $5.99 during the week.
  • He’s basically an old drunk man on Facebook blaming Millennials and Colin Kaepernick for all of his woes.
  • He’s basically the drunk, abusive Tim Allen of Pizza.
  • They actually use old pizza boxes instead of dough.

If you don’t care about all of that, we recommend that you just Google Image Search photos of Papa John’s pizza. The sight of it will likely change your mind as it looks like someone was stroking out while cutting it. Pizza and football are symbiotic, we get that, but it’s a poor explanation to your shareholders, which own 75% of the company, as their is nothing the pizza company can do to fix the NFL situation.

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