Killer, robotic reindeer open sleigh drones, mechanized elves, laser-guided carving knives, what can we expect from Next-Gen Christmas Warfare?
The War on Christmas is a lot like the War on Drugs (declared by First Lady Nancy Reagan in the 1980s). It’s simply a divisive talking-point meant to redirect the American public to a different topic so that the United States Government can’t squeak by tax bills and whatnot why Fox News gets us to rally against each other over something that doesn’t matter.
The so-called War on Christmas is a divisive front meant to further embattle Republicans against Democrats, the Right against the Left, Christians against the world, etc. Donald Trump has taken the War on Christmas to a new level this year however, as it was one of his political talking-points at some time or another.
Immediately following the Thanksgiving holidays, Donald Trump could be seen outside digging what appeared to be a trench around the White House and ordered that the sand traps at his Mar-a-Lago golf course be converted into bunkers & pill boxes.
In an effort to be more courteous to other Americans, religious groups, etc, many find it appropriate to wish their friends, family, colleagues, clients, etc, “Happy Holidays” in respect to our diversity as a nation. Of course, God-forbid you tell someone Happy Hanukkah or Happy Kwanzaa, lest it be deemed a “war” on the religious right. Remember when calling the White House’s tree a “holiday tree” instead of a Christmas tree made Fox News and Breitbart millions of dollars in talking-points and articles?
Trump has had enough and has tasked DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency) with developing weaponry to fight the War on Christmas. He has also tasked Congress to sponsor an addendum to the current defense bill to include a handful of Boston Dynamic’s articulated terrain drones to act as reindeer and pull MechaSanta’s sleigh this holiday.
The killer robo-reindeer pull a mechanized Santa that will fire at non-believers and people that write “X-mas” instead of Christmas. Mecha-Santa fires laser-guided carving knives and pine-scented poisonous Christmas light grenades. Donald Trump has outfitted Air Force One with “Missle-Tow” payloads that will travel behind the aircraft and intercept data from American’s that can kiss his ass if they choose to wage war on the holiday. (Missle-tow… Mistletoe…. get it?)
Operation Stocking Stuffer kicked off on December 1st as the holiday war kicked off. Rumor is that robotic elves are being produced in tunnels deep below the streets of Washington D.C. and will be deployed in some sort of Asimov, iRobot style if things get out of hand. There is even talk of building a wall around the North Pole and making the North Pole pay for it!
Please remind your family and friends this holiday that the War on Christmas is nigh. Have you been naughty or nice? Because chances are, the government will be coming after you. In other news, you may be interes