Fieritology is the newest religion identified in the United States by the Department of Defense and ReligionNews.com. Fieritologists worship Food Network’s celebrity chef His Holiness Guy Fieri via the United Church of Flavortown.
The United Church of Flavortown is now a Internal Revenue Service (IRS) identified entity that has a distinct legal exisitence, a formal code of doctrine, and a literature of it’s own, the cookbook Guy Fieri Food: Cookin’ It, Livin’ It, Lovin’ It. You easily identify his followers as they adorn themselves with flame covered robes and frosted-tips in their hair.
Upon winning The Next Food Network star contest in 2006, it became fashionable to dress like the fashionista Fieri, but when his literature came out, it began sweeping those in cooking circles and many others.
For the first time in my life, I felt alive. Once I frosted my tips and adorned the sacred robes of enflamement, I knew that Fieritology was for me. I feel so pure and alive!Chad Klumpp, deacon at the United Church of Flavortown
We visited the United Church of Flavortown chapter in Lafayette, Louisiana and watched in awe as they held services in what used to be an old Popeye’s chicken restaurant. The Fieritologists line up to visit the altar, and perform the Eucharist with garbage-can nachos. They follow this up by washing down shots of Donkey Sauce, as the sacred text depicts in ancient Fieri history, “Body of Guy.”
True followers have taken to the road and spend their lives driving across the US and maintaining a diet solely of restaurants that have appeared on “Triple D,” aka Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives on Food Network. Flavortown USA is a mantra that these Fieritologists have dedicated themselves to in body, mind, and spirit, ultimately beginning to look like an order of Garbage Can Nachos.
This spiritual awakening comes at a cost however, the fear of backsliding into their old ways and ending up in Hell’s Kitchen, which is what the afterlife is called by those who follow HH Guy Fieri.
Whether or not you agree with it or not, Americans are riding the bus to Flavortown. You might say, “shut the front door!” but Fieritology is anticipated to be the #1 religious practice in the United States by 2031. Prepare yourselves for the festival of funk, because this hot frisbee of fun is dynamite! You might even say that it is bomb-dot-com!